Looking back

Everyone comes from different walks of life

One for each

But you feel like you come from several dozen

A small town, the metropolis, a dhaba, la-di-dah ! 

Looking back it looks like a kaleidoscope

Transforming into a carnival with shades from a spectrum 

Shades within shades and within those another variety of shades

You wonder, how did I make it this far without slipping solid into one of the shades? 

Trust.

Who? How? Why? For what? Just like that? With a reason? Gradually? Instantly? Never? Forever?

To be able to trust what must one do? Trust your intuition to trust the stranger? Go with the gut ?
Or take it slowly? Wait and watch? Wait for the stranger to prove their worthiness? Wait for the stranger to make a slight mistake and poof goes trust.

Trust issues are overwhelming. Trust is a delicate thread. Well, only if you take it too seriously. Why do some people talk so much about being betrayed every time? Is it because they expect too much out of everyone? Or is it because they bring extreme loyalty from their side?

Some people just know whom to trust and hence they experience very little complication. These people judge instantly. They trust themselves to begin with and things fall into place. Right snap judgments are amazing, however this mostly happens without us really knowing how, therefore it can be faulty.

Some people are hopefuls. They like to give others time because they don't want some sub-conscience stereotype or information get the better of them. But in the process, the trust thread depends entirely on the stranger.

Trust is a crazy affair. Family is supposed to be most trustworthy but we hide things from them that may make them uncomfortable. They do too. Lovers are supposed to trust each other with everything. But when you love, don't you suppress certain likes or dislikes from your partner to make them happy?

Trust makes you feel safe. Trust can give you a good business deal, right answers to your medical problems and most importantly refresh your belief in humanity.

I don't know the dynamics of how, why and whom to trust. But there is one thing I will always remember, it is a quote I read as the thought of the day in school when i was 12.

"It is an equal failing to trust everybody, and to trust nobody. "

Name, नाम, पहचान, Identity, Affiliation

Whats your name?
Tamanna
Musalmaan ho?
Why are you asking?
(He Smirks.)

Whats your name?
Tamanna
Muslim?
Why are you asking?
Your name sounds like that.
Tamanna is an Urdu word for Desire, wish. 
So You are a Muslim or not?
(I smile.)

Whats your name ?
Tamanna
Tammy?
Ya, T, Tdot, Tammy, Tammu, Tanu, Whatever.
Don't you like your original name?
I like it. I care about the spelling most of the time though. Some write Tamana, Its Tamanna. Double N. 
Yes, Your name is your identity. I get offended when people play with my name.
I think there a lot more that is offensive. Whats in a name?
You don't get it. I will tell you why....................................................................................... !!!!!

Whats your name?
Tamanna
Full name?
Tamanna Sharma
Oh so your husband is a Sharma?
I am not married.
Oh !

Whats your name?
Tamanna
Last name?
(Why?) Sharma
Brahmin?
Why are you asking?
(Frowns and gets busy in other work)

Whats your name?
Tamanna 
Very nice name. What does it mean?
Desire/ Wish
Ms Desire? Kinky
(Nervous laughter)


Whats your name?
Tamanna 
Full name?
Sharma
Tamanna? Urdu? Why did your parents give you this name?
They liked it.
Why Urdu?
Why not?

What is my first language? I am lost.

I always wonder what to say when someone asks me whether my first language is English.  For some reason I stubbornly reply " No, Its Hindi". To be honest I am very poor in writing in Hindi. I had Hindi classes for more than 10 years in School and yet.......

Why? Maybe because I haven't had the fortune of meeting a good Hindi teacher. I have changed 6-7 schools in my life and I don't have any special memories of Hindi classes. In high school the Hindi teachers I came across were rude and not at all approachable.

I remember putting my hand up to read a section of the story in class but since I was very slow in reading Hindi, I hardly got a chance to improve and gain confidence. I felt like a tourist in the class which taught my mother language.

I could never understand Maatras (vowel signs). I don't even remember the sequence of Hindi alphabets properly and i feel ashamed of that fact. After passing matriculation, I remember most of us being extremely happy about leaving Hindi behind. By then it had become total pain to be able to perform well in it. If someone asks me to write in Hindi today, I trust online translation software more than myself. This is sad.

Now, when it comes to English, I am not perfect in writing in English but any day better in it than Hindi. This is not only my case. Neither are we absolutely brilliant in English nor do we improve our Hindi. Now I am not really talking about people like my Journalism batch mates and friends for they are supposed to be good at communicating.

However, in general, we are a generation lost in translation. Somewhere in the middle - with Hinglish. I don't know whether this is good or bad. Whether its going to become a new language or just destroy the beauty of Hindi and English.

Again I am only questioning the writing part, the textual part, not the spoken part. Its become quite normal to use Hinglish in everyday conversations, film dialogues, lyrics of songs and even new style of poetry. When I facilitate a workshop or do a presentation, I will fail if i don't assess the language that the participants are comfortable with.

Anyway coming back to the main issue of this blog entry, it would be great if you could tell me what is your first language and how?