Pieces

The coffee was so bitter, drank it anyhow

I got up to return the mug to where it belongs

But gravity had other plans

breaking it into several big and small pieces

I look at the pieces for a while

before bending down to pick them up

I am half way through  

when I stop and stare at the tiniest pieces

I collapse 

I want to deny the existence of those pieces

the pieces that can not be put back 

The pieces that are forbidden to be a part of something, anything

the ones that are lost and can not find their way home

I find myself in them

I find myself broken into several pieces

Lost identity

Lost purpose

But I exist

The only difference between me and those pieces

No one  and nothing is going to bother them now

For me, I have the universe weighing on my back.

Confessions of Joey

Black and White

Who are you and who am I?
A free bird or god's spy?
Are those your needs?
Or do the needs need you more, to survive?
Is it really just black and white?
Or did you avoid looking because you're too shy?
Statements of truth or a stubborn reply.
On what do you depend and on whom do you rely.
Is that a reason or is that a bribe?
Be bold, be alive.
Take a deep breath, open your eyes. 

Problems

I need problems.

I wont survive otherwise.

I do not want them. I need them.

Problems are scary.

Problems are terrifying.

Problems do not let me sleep.
I hate them. 
But I need them.
Problems create rush in my blood stream.
Burns me up, drives me crazy.
A day without problems feels wrong.
Question is not why. Its why not.
To achieve a high, you need a low.
Its a pattern, Its universal, Its the truth. 

Looking back

Everyone comes from different walks of life

One for each

But you feel like you come from several dozen

A small town, the metropolis, a dhaba, la-di-dah ! 

Looking back it looks like a kaleidoscope

Transforming into a carnival with shades from a spectrum 

Shades within shades and within those another variety of shades

You wonder, how did I make it this far without slipping solid into one of the shades? 

Trust.

Who? How? Why? For what? Just like that? With a reason? Gradually? Instantly? Never? Forever?

To be able to trust what must one do? Trust your intuition to trust the stranger? Go with the gut ?
Or take it slowly? Wait and watch? Wait for the stranger to prove their worthiness? Wait for the stranger to make a slight mistake and poof goes trust.

Trust issues are overwhelming. Trust is a delicate thread. Well, only if you take it too seriously. Why do some people talk so much about being betrayed every time? Is it because they expect too much out of everyone? Or is it because they bring extreme loyalty from their side?

Some people just know whom to trust and hence they experience very little complication. These people judge instantly. They trust themselves to begin with and things fall into place. Right snap judgments are amazing, however this mostly happens without us really knowing how, therefore it can be faulty.

Some people are hopefuls. They like to give others time because they don't want some sub-conscience stereotype or information get the better of them. But in the process, the trust thread depends entirely on the stranger.

Trust is a crazy affair. Family is supposed to be most trustworthy but we hide things from them that may make them uncomfortable. They do too. Lovers are supposed to trust each other with everything. But when you love, don't you suppress certain likes or dislikes from your partner to make them happy?

Trust makes you feel safe. Trust can give you a good business deal, right answers to your medical problems and most importantly refresh your belief in humanity.

I don't know the dynamics of how, why and whom to trust. But there is one thing I will always remember, it is a quote I read as the thought of the day in school when i was 12.

"It is an equal failing to trust everybody, and to trust nobody. "

Name, नाम, पहचान, Identity, Affiliation

Whats your name?
Tamanna
Musalmaan ho?
Why are you asking?
(He Smirks.)

Whats your name?
Tamanna
Muslim?
Why are you asking?
Your name sounds like that.
Tamanna is an Urdu word for Desire, wish. 
So You are a Muslim or not?
(I smile.)

Whats your name ?
Tamanna
Tammy?
Ya, T, Tdot, Tammy, Tammu, Tanu, Whatever.
Don't you like your original name?
I like it. I care about the spelling most of the time though. Some write Tamana, Its Tamanna. Double N. 
Yes, Your name is your identity. I get offended when people play with my name.
I think there a lot more that is offensive. Whats in a name?
You don't get it. I will tell you why....................................................................................... !!!!!

Whats your name?
Tamanna
Full name?
Tamanna Sharma
Oh so your husband is a Sharma?
I am not married.
Oh !

Whats your name?
Tamanna
Last name?
(Why?) Sharma
Brahmin?
Why are you asking?
(Frowns and gets busy in other work)

Whats your name?
Tamanna 
Very nice name. What does it mean?
Desire/ Wish
Ms Desire? Kinky
(Nervous laughter)


Whats your name?
Tamanna 
Full name?
Sharma
Tamanna? Urdu? Why did your parents give you this name?
They liked it.
Why Urdu?
Why not?