What is my first language? I am lost.

I always wonder what to say when someone asks me whether my first language is English.  For some reason I stubbornly reply " No, Its Hindi". To be honest I am very poor in writing in Hindi. I had Hindi classes for more than 10 years in School and yet.......

Why? Maybe because I haven't had the fortune of meeting a good Hindi teacher. I have changed 6-7 schools in my life and I don't have any special memories of Hindi classes. In high school the Hindi teachers I came across were rude and not at all approachable.

I remember putting my hand up to read a section of the story in class but since I was very slow in reading Hindi, I hardly got a chance to improve and gain confidence. I felt like a tourist in the class which taught my mother language.

I could never understand Maatras (vowel signs). I don't even remember the sequence of Hindi alphabets properly and i feel ashamed of that fact. After passing matriculation, I remember most of us being extremely happy about leaving Hindi behind. By then it had become total pain to be able to perform well in it. If someone asks me to write in Hindi today, I trust online translation software more than myself. This is sad.

Now, when it comes to English, I am not perfect in writing in English but any day better in it than Hindi. This is not only my case. Neither are we absolutely brilliant in English nor do we improve our Hindi. Now I am not really talking about people like my Journalism batch mates and friends for they are supposed to be good at communicating.

However, in general, we are a generation lost in translation. Somewhere in the middle - with Hinglish. I don't know whether this is good or bad. Whether its going to become a new language or just destroy the beauty of Hindi and English.

Again I am only questioning the writing part, the textual part, not the spoken part. Its become quite normal to use Hinglish in everyday conversations, film dialogues, lyrics of songs and even new style of poetry. When I facilitate a workshop or do a presentation, I will fail if i don't assess the language that the participants are comfortable with.

Anyway coming back to the main issue of this blog entry, it would be great if you could tell me what is your first language and how?

Gods and Labels

When I question practices, I am branded an atheist. When I enjoy chants or a story, I am titled religious. Labels follow you everywhere, to contain your mind and control learning and unlearning. Labels are a constant reminder to fit in, either by persuasion or force.

Agnostic is another definition for me when the person who is trying to label me, gets confused. I understand that labels help us organize in this chaotic world. People who think about things that we do not understand is frustrating. People who do not want to believe in higher forces as described in the holy book of our particular religion are labeled ignorant or stupid. But does it end with labeling?

History has shown us how it goes beyond labels. Labels, whether positive or negative result in stereotyping which can turn into expectations. When expectations are not met, misunderstandings, hatred and turmoil follow.

When I was a child, my labels for others were limited to nice and not nice. Only when i started getting labeled as someone i was not, first i rebelled and after a while i tried to understand it. Introspection led to questioning my own habits. Labelling is like a by default setting. We label without realizing, without introspecting and often end up closing ourselves in a box.

What I believe, whether it is contained in Holy Books or not, whether it is a bit of every book or none at all, whether it is what I was taught or whether it is my imagination or both, whether I follow logic or have surrendered to God's will or whether I have blind faith or no faith at all. All these are my private business as long as I want it to be.

Remember, labels may make our lives more organised and less chaotic but labels are suitable for folders, not for people. 

Today is Sunday.

Today is Sunday. Started on a bright note. Tea and sudoko are a must. Since winters are here, we can enjoy the sunlight sitting in the lawn. Privileged and making most of it.

Today is Sunday. I am hoping to avoid work. But i keep checking signature increase on my petition. Only 10 of my 400 friends on facebook have signed it or shared it. Not that i expected enthusiasm from all of them but 10? Maybe i should call all of them one by one. Sigh

Today is Sunday. I can go through the entire newspaper properly. My reading halts at page 2, a 15 MONTHS old girl raped. Very close to where i live. I read similar news everyday. Today it bothered me a bit more than usual. Maybe because i know how servant quarters look like in this area and where are the entry and exits points located. Images began to develop in my mind. Tears and nausea followed. 

I don't feel like writing more. 

Randomness

The idea to write this entry came after i wrote a couple of tweets to share my thoughts on the growing number of comments about my randomness. Most of the comments are out of concern, pointing subtly at my lack of stability and unwillingness to have a standard and secure life. Lets start with my tweets:

These days i often get to hear comments on my work being completely random. Actually why cant it be random? Why should i stick to one? :)

If today i held a workshop on waste management, tomorrow i will communicate on gender equality. Day after maybe i will just paint boxes.

When we were kids we dreamed of becoming a pilot one day and dancer the next. A postmaster or president. Why do we restrict ourselves now?

I know specialization is the key to being successful in one field. But for a dreamer like me, the heart wants what the heart wants.

So basically i believe its ok to be random as long as you are doing justice to the work and to yourself. :)

Today was crazy. Tomorrow is going to bring some more awesome maddening randomness. We can try and live a dream everyday. Failure and success is secondary sometimes. The magic is in the attempt to dream. The magic is in the will to make that attempt. 

But believe it or not, it is all part of a plan. Under this loud randomness is a silent pattern preparing for something. Human mind is a universe in itself. We imagine. We create. And then we imagine again. We are never satisfied. But that is also because we stop looking for the magical waters which can bring an end to the thirst. Also, when we stop looking, we may just stumble upon it and not recognize it.

So many of us are unhappy. We regret too much. We give up too early. We look for things that are pre-decided by the people around us. 

Time and again i look back at my life. Not a lot in terms of number of years. But huge in terms of learning. Every good and bad thing that ever happened to me, made me who i am. I am happy that i can turn around the memory of loneliness at the tender age of 8 into a positive learning, no matter how hard it was then and how proud i feel to have made friends with the people who bullied me and made them understand. 

Its like a math problem, when you can solve one, you want to solve more. In life in order to solve/learn, we have to keep making the attempts. We don't know whether we will live to see tomorrow. We may live a long life but without purpose or satisfaction. So to hell with that. I am going to be random and as satisfied as possible. I am going to be sad about things not related to me and i am going to do something about it. I am going to be angry with a purpose. I am going to be happy with every dream achieved. I am going to keep looking, keep going, keep living. 

Outsider

They are looking at you.

They are looking into you.

Observing your ignorance

Identifying the missing pieces

They are outsiders

Outsiders for life

They can tell you the truth

Only if you let them

They can help you achieve

Only if you let them

They may not understand themselves

Because they cannot observe themselves

They too struggle, they too get stuck

Only if they too had someone watching over them

Only if they had another outsider too

Maybe they do

Maybe they ignore them just like you

I am looking at you

I am looking into you

I can tell you which part exactly hurts

I can tell you where to find joy

But in happy times you call me an intruder

And a savior in times of trouble

My image changes according to your situation

But I am what I was and will always be.

The same outsider, outsider for life. 

Living the moment

Its raining

Pouring from different directions

A flute begins to play

The sound is coming from within a nest

It sounds like the last song

For the tree is slowly giving in

While it breaks and falls

the song continues

More sounds join

A toad crocks, your heart beats louder

Clouds form in your eyes as well

The rains mix in secrecy

Little children look at you

They know just how you feel

they blow lovely kisses telepathically

From that instant

you zoom out and away

Magical clouds fast forward

I am totally obsessed with clouds. This one is just before it started raining today. It was such a treat ! It always is.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Generally for us- humans ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’, but in the case of waste it is more of an ‘Out of sight, Out of mind,’ attitude even though we are the biggest creators of waste.

Waste Management is set up in a manner that lacks structure and most of its components are not in place. Most of us do not know the basic segregation rules. We don’t know the purpose of blue and green bins and that is why collection points brim with diseases, ready to explode. They not only put the garbage collectors into danger but also prove to be highly hazardous to the land, water and air. This pretty much constitutes everything around you. There has been enough blame game on who is responsible. Major blame is received by the Municipal departments but at the end of the day, the fact is that we make these departments, we run it, whether from inside or out.

Some of the major problems of waste management are untimely and improper collection of waste, littering, indiscriminate dumping and burning of waste. Of course the root cause lies in production of waste but let us not get into that for now.

When not managed properly waste directly hurts the environment and our health. Almost every health problem is caused by improperly disposed waste. It is not only about what you dispose off but how you do it as well. Mechanisms are put in place but they hardly connect the dots.

I am an environmentalist but so are many others. The question is – if there are so many of us then why is earth still in a terrible condition? When we raise our voice against atrocities on humans then they react and fight it out but when we raise our voice for earth, we cannot expect the same from her. Naturally, we will expect the inhabitants of earth to react.

Today we are just touching the surface of the problem and not going deep into it. Maybe it is because depth is too scary or too tiring to reach. Either way, the problems are within.  We have to start taking positive and practical steps, starting from the root towards the surface in a sustainable and balanced manner.

Think. Eat. Save.

I often end up looking like a fool whenever i check for the quantity or order lesser portion of food. On top of that the confused look on the waiter's face prompts me to explain the 'greater good' or just the fact that i am beginning to understand my eating capacity which does not allow me to consume a lot at once.

I can get the leftover packed but that is going to add a different kind of waste so i try to finish everything.

My parents taught me these things when i was a child. For them it was about respecting and valuing food. Slowly this became a bigger issue and now the urgency to understand the waste disaster is extremely crucial.

So please please please take a step towards understanding your individual capacity and inculcate this habit in your family as well.

When it comes to eating out, 'Paisa vasool' (money's worth) is only going to end up in two things - food waste or loose motions.



A couple more things you could do:

• Stop taking plastic take away cups if you are going to sit and drink. You can demand a glass while ordering.
• Don't be shy, ask for the quantity. Satisfy yourself.
• Finish one dish and then order more if you're sure. 
• Complimentary food sounds fantastic but greed will make a soup in your tummy.
• Its NOT OK to tell kids that it is OK to leave food. You know your child's capacity better than she/he does. 
• Share with family and friends. But yes only if you understand the capacity dynamics of the group. You don't want to piss them off by leaving them hungry.
• This is something i did and would like to try again. Me and my friend would carry our coffee mugs from the office, sometimes for others too and get coffee filled in them instead of getting plastic cups. (We had to walk a few metres out of the office but it was totally worth it). 

Tell me what more can we do? Thanks !

Newspaper clip from The Hindu

Blasted Sunday

After months of plans made and postponed, on 24th Feb 2013, my friend Dipannita and I finally went 'Book Shopping' at the Daryaganj sunday market, near Chandni Chownk, Old Delhi.

Known for paperback books piracy of a kind, its a paradise for book lovers. Although i love brand new original books but what to do when your heart yearns for reading and the pocket's mostly empty.

Anyway, on Sunday i woke up with the excitement of going to old Delhi and dressed like a hippie, in a colorful skirt and a green hoodie with birds and trees on the back and a backpack to fill loads of books.

Met Dipannita at Chandni Chownk metro station and we headed off towards the dingy streets of Old Delhi. The shops were mostly shut but you can never find the streets empty.

I stopped to ask for directions when a man who seemed drugged tried to touch my ass, i turned quickly and gave him a sharp look and he backed off. I wondered why i did not create a scene. Anyway we moved on and almost all the men did something to ruin the walk. They would stare and lick their lips, they would pass by repeating excerpts of our conversation, stop and wait for us to pass and then walk behind us, stand in a group and pass lewd comments.

We kept going as if nothing was happening around us, trying to be alert yet focusing on our conversation. I wonder why we did not turn around and slap those jerks. I guess we always try to keep ourselves safe first instead of risking it by reacting and moreover there were too many of them.

I had never felt so humiliated in the visits before. I had a serious urge to cut off their balls.

We kept walking, trying to enjoy the old architecture and history. Finally when we asked someone the way, we were told that the market was closed because of the Hyderabad blasts. DAMN IT ! We kept cursing our fate and looked at each other, brokenhearted. DAMN IT !

We confirmed with more people and then finally decided to find the next love of our lives - Food. Since Karims was too full, we went to Al Jawahar to eat instead. Had our meals with the humiliation ringing in our heads and finally bursting out by talking about the issues related to that.

While killing our appetite along with the conversation, i noticed that the boys waiting tables had a peculiar smile on their faces, almost romantic. We all know that old Delhi is held in time with pros and cons but this was new to me.  Recent events have made us think deeply about male behavior in India.

After eating Seekh Kababs and Chicken Tikka and Phirni, we went to Jama Masjid. I had never been their before but heard so much about it. As we entered, two policemen sat on their chairs, with their fake aviators on, sleeping. On the stairs, countless beggars mixed with fancy DSLR owners, capturing the irony of the state.

We went in and roamed about the whole place, it looked like a picnic spot. Most of the women were completely covered and many were forced to wear a gown at the entrance. But no one questioned "Why men still stare?" It was a  question i so desperately wanted to ask the Masjid guard who wasn't letting women wearing half sleeve shirts, enter.

Suddenly we heard a foreigner shouting on the top of his voice ' This is a mosque for god's sake'. His friend added ' This is the place of worship !'. We hurried to check on what was going on and by then the foreigners were yelling at the guard ' You are the disgrace for India'. The guard grinned and replied with a stubborn 'Ya Ya Ya'. Turns out he wasn't letting a black woman enter the place even though she was wearing a kurta and a shawl. She wanted to leave but her friends encouraged her and they entered anyway.

Me and Dipannita were enraged by the mistreatment. We were asked by the guards to move on. Instead of that we went on to read the board that gave instructions to the visitors. It stated - No shoes, No half sleeves or sleeve less, etc and therefore there was no point asking the old guard, 'Why men still stare'? We finally decided to leave the place and head home. With the backpack still empty but the mind buzzing with old and new questions, we parted ways, not with hopelessness because hope need not be expressed in words, its always been a mutual understanding of the ones who will never give up. 

Mama

Mama so skinny, Mama so weak

Trying to tame little A, B, C and D

Drawing everyone's attention, a pat, a sweet sound

Mama's eyes say something, something they seek

I click the words but pretend not to understand

Rape, Acid Attack, Crisis. Talk.

Protests may help the gang rape victim this time and the people who came forward to support her show that there is hope.

Hope? Wait? A 3 years old girl was raped in her playschool by the owner's husband. Should we go for another protest? Some may go for it and some may give a tired response "Nothing can happen".

We will not go anywhere with a short term vision. Government and Police can do only so much and make laws to a certain limit. Who knew that something could happen in a trusted Playschool?

Something one can do individually is to keep talking about this, envisioning and practicing respect for women and equal rights.

I don't have a scientific fact here but our men, most of our men are going through an internal crisis. Crisis of identity and expression. They need help.

 We can not just rant and move on. We have to face the truth and solve it. It may take our lifetimes but our efforts will only make the world a more equal and safe space.

Having supported the long term solution, i am not asking you to stop making immediate efforts to curb such issues. If the objective is clear then we need to raise our voice immediately. Like the Acid Attack Problem that we are facing today. The objective is to get the law passed which promises imprisonment, fine and compensation. Many girls are in need for this solution.

We have to channelize our energies in an informed direction and only then we will stop using the line " Nothing can happen".

Lets talk !

Dussehra Dilemma

What if the person in front of you

is not expecting you to realize your mistake 

What if they want you to burn

To burn and to cry

What if they are just looking for revenge

What if they are trying to wash their own sins

By throwing you in the sea

What do you do?

Will you too create an arrow?

 With countless names in your head

Will you too aim it at Ravan?

Because only he seems to be able to take it all.

A lot of money but no overcoat

In the middle of an isolated street

Well, filled with known faces

Eyes continuously searching for similarity

Wearing a tiny lace all over

Slowly uncovering the secrets

The patches of delusion

Mixed with reds and blues of reality

Cigarette in cold hands

And ashes on the ground

You could feel the wind against your face

The teeth chattering and lips shivering

A lot of money but no overcoat

Intertwined

There are many problems in the world today. From highly self centered issues to the national and international social problems, all these issues have found space in our agendas in some or the other way. Sometimes I wonder whether I would be able to understand even one of them to the fullest, but then again my mind jumps from one to another like that on a trampoline. After all, empathy has its pros and cons. People say that you are confused, you need to specialize in one and achieve that one goal. They are right maybe. Or maybe this is just another way to tame the 'over ambitious'?

Why cant I do it all ? Well , I tried. I tried to understand different issues, sometimes for a few months, sometimes for a couple of hours. And this has being going on for the past couple of years. I am very young, very naïve for the world, but then again I know one thing for sure now, no issue is a separate issue. They are all intertwined.

As scary as it can get, the mere idea of this web can give you goosebumps, so hard that it would pluck your hair out. It is as scary as the thought of whats beyond the universe as we know it. Many times I try to talk to people about this. In their proper senses, some nod and wave it off by saying “ ab main kya kar sakti hoon” (what can I do now), Its not a question but  the sign of instantly giving up in the beginning itself. Some  declare that there are ‘bigger’ problems that need attention. Agrrr ! 

For example - we have seen Hardcore Environmentalists and Hardcore Economists fighting over what is more important - Poverty alleviation or stopping global warming. Do they not see that both are very important, both need attention. Can't the Economist see that when global warming hits crops supply then the situation of the poverty ridden will get even worse and cant the Environmentalist see that the eco friendly stoves that he is trying to sell in the village are not affordable. I wish i had the podium to make them see. One day, i will.

We need a "win win " situation. No one goes down please.

I think my bong hit friends will respond to this in the best way. Thank goodness I don’t need booze or bong to 'see'. 

Floating Balloon

I am a floating balloon

My string filled with fragrances of different places,

of muddy mountains and of deep waters 

Every day my yellow meets the yellow of sun

Every night i change into the moon like a ghost

The air within me, makes me stand, makes me stay

The air around me shows me the highs and lows

When an awestruck child looks up to me

i maneuver and make him laugh, make him happy

Some tap and push me down into the dense well

Some give me a new direction with a sudden blow

When i am full of air, i arrogantly reach the point to burst

Other times wind makes me run away, far away

Always getting out of one circle, only to get into another one

Endless circles, there is no pause, no halt

Choosing individualism, choosing loneliness

Never lingering in one hand 

Alone, I make, Alone, I break

From The Vault #3

I read The Fountainhead for the first time in early 2010. Revisited it a few days back. Even though this piece is not at all related to the theme of the book, but it definitely is one of those major moments that I could relate to. Perhaps many can relate to it. 

i stare at random stuff around
i don’t blink
i am not thinking a thing
salt water rolls down

if someone interrupts i get sick
i feel like breaking everything around.
i clench my teeth
and close my eyes
that moment is gone.....

but it comes again another day
i never release what i'm staring at
its abyss, its void
its the moment of peace
which cant be attained if i try.
it comes naturally
and that is when i feel nothing
no pain, no love, no bonds and no life
i wonder if that's how death feels like

P.S. Dug this out of my email drafts today while cleaning up. Corrected a few grammatical errors. Also, 'Salt water' was previously 'Tears' but thats not what I had meant so changed it. 

Whats up universe?

Earthquake shook us today. Apparently, strongest tremors in the last 100 years. ‘Is the world ending?’ most of us ask but universe never responds directly in your face. Does it?

What is the point in becoming an environmentalist if it has to backlash at us every time? I guess the main idea is that you cannot run and you cannot hide. Maybe you can migrate or maybe you can make them, big metal submarines like the movies show. A lot of us are working to save what’s left, maybe it is because we care too damn much about the inhuman humankind or maybe some of us are mighty earthlings, trying to save our cocoon. There are and will always be a lot of ifs, buts and maybes in trying to understand the course of nature but sometimes blurting it out unconsciously gives us a blurry picture of the course of the universe. What you’re about to read is that blurry picture that flashed in front of me few days back.

--------------

“Why are you boys and girls like this? “, asked my friend’s dad.

I was at a conference discussing environmental issues of India and the world and he had come to give company to his daughter. For a few seconds I was confused. Generally we hear such question in context of us, today’s generation, because of our dare devil obnoxious attitude.

“Sir, why are we like what? “, I asked, keeping myself ready with a few lines on Human rights.

“As in, why are you people so interested in societal and environmental issues? We were never like that. Today most of you young people are into this, how did this change happen?”

I had never thought about it before. How could I? I was not alive when my parents were my age. Hence the answer I gave to him was totally new, unthought-of, from the unconscious mind.  

“Sir, I think this is because of the different generations and the situations we all have been in” I declared.

“How ?” He asked simply.

“Well let’s take an example of three generations exclusively in context of India, grandparents as Number 1, Parents which includes you as Number 2 and your daughter and me as the youth of today as Number 3.

 Now if we closely look at the early years of number 1, it includes freedom struggle, lack of opportunities, traditional constraints like castes and economical issues. The main aim for number 1 was to get past these, for it was the basic right of a human in the developing world. They were relatively simpler people without much access to the outer world and hence not much of a multi dimensional view.

 When number 2 arrived, the freedom was achieved. The outsiders left them with a lot to grasp, igniting curiosity to explore. Opportunities came in with new governance and various worldly revolutions. The push that number 2 had received from their parents was to make it big in life. Number 2 had seen poverty with parents and wanted to get rid of it. The lands were easily available. It was tough but businesses could be started and monopoly could be easily achieved. Economics came into the picture and gave number 2 want they lusted for in their early days. Liberalisation and globalisation opened doors leading to gazillion unexplored places.

Number 3 were born with a silver spoon in their mouth. There is luxury of riding on a rickshaw , in a car or a plane. Things are ‘available ‘at their disposal. The world was explored by their parents and is in front of them through pictures. Pocket money is in and splurging is normal. Social networking brought the multidimensional era forward. Number 3 has the time to look past traditions. There is no need to fight for food, clothing and shelter. Parents take care of everything. There is not much to hurry for. Number 3 is the privileged one and hence has a wider vision and that’s where they can see past self. (Not all of this is true for everyone of course but this can be the reason for increased interest in development sector)

This, sir, is maybe why we are the way we are. “

My friend’s dad did not argue, he smiled and agreed with me.

------------------

We may think that we are here to change things. Maybe things are changing or maybe nature is taking its own course. Maybe it is high time we pay attention to the universe after centuries of self obsession. I may be wrong but I can be right too. What do you think?

All in all

Burst out, take a spring sip

The salt from the eyes will go through the broken desert

It will start raining, raining on the living

Not so uncomfortable in a lake

Swimming is easy as long as the water is still

However the waterfall will hurt

Rivers are going to force your flow

Inevitably towards the deep

Once there, drown if you want

Evaporate if you can

Reach the clouds and shake the thunder away

Once full, give yourself up

Give yourself up for others

Fall into them

Let them soak every bit of you

Let everything go, dissolve.

From the Vault #2

Magical imprints on her

Talking to the wind with swirling curves

Knocks on the door of purity

Blinded by love and faith

Tranquility is not the major feature

Hurdles are many

Lost is a lot

Saved is none

Still blinded by faith and love

Keeps walking in the meadows of madness

When it is time to think straight

Imagination begins to talk

She asks him to sit beside

And wait for her to finish what never started